A little history…
My son (11) was diagnosed with Autism in the spring of 2015, when I was 25. I knew a few months before that and suspected it when he was as young as 16 months old. I let denial get the best of me and my research led me to other people stating that things such as motor stereotypy and speech delays could be present in children without Autism. I ran with this but kept an eye out for more Autistic traits. I knew very little about Autism when his journey to diagnosis began and had not been knowingly exposed to Autistic people that much to be able to more easily identify it through my own observations.
It was after his diagnosis that I began to wonder about myself. I had no friends, intense special interests, eye contact was a learned behavior that often made me uncomfortable, and I was labeled as very “shy”. I considered myself a weird outcast, but I was mostly okay with that. I just didn’t understand why. I didn’t realize at the time that I have many more Autistic traits.
I had already been diagnosed with depression and Borderline Personality Disorder at this point, though I didn’t know at the time that they are likely to be co-morbids of Autism and BPD is often misdiagnosed in women when it’s really Autism that’s present, or it’s both. I later was also diagnosed with ADHD, which is basically the sister of Autism.
I went about 7 more years not really thinking about it much, though I still wondered why I was the way I am, because my list of diagnoses didn’t tell me the whole story. I didn’t have the full picture. At this point I was diagnosed with BPD, depression, anxiety, and grossly misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. So what caused me to suddenly dive deeper into the world of Autism in regards to my own identity?
In February 2022 I began my journey to becoming a Registered Behavior Technician. It was at the Autism Center I work at that I met many more of the faces of Autism. I had previously worked in a high school class with Autistic students but my assigned student I was mostly focused on has Cerebral Palsy and the class was small. At the Autism Center I’m proud to be a part of, I’ve met many more children, all with different strengths and struggles. It made me wonder more about both myself and my daughter. My daughter (8) is currently awaiting a referral for an assessment.
It took me an incredible amount of self-reflection, digging up memories from childhood, asking my mother questions (she barely remembers anything unfortunately), reading, researching, and talking to other Autistic people to come to the realization that I’m Autistic. It was a gradual process and a matter of not wanting to identify as such until I knew deep down that I was right.
After realizing I’m Autistic, I’ve tried to be easier on myself. I started using accommodations like earplugs made for sound sensitivity and love the difference they’ve made. I try not to mask as much around people but it’s inevitable right now to an extent, especially in more professional settings where literally everyone masks. I’m excited to learn about more coping strategies that I can implement in my everyday life.
The next blog will be about my experience with the ADOS-2 assessment, the general diagnostic process, how I prepared for it, and how I feel about my diagnosis as well as some about the unmasking process (might end up being a part 3). Thank you for reading!
❤ Lauren